George is a dangerous squirrel

You should've seen George last night, rummaging through the snow with only the moonlight to aid his relentless search for chestnuts. That kid is a savage and dangerous animal, sort of like a large squirrel with rabies, only in a gray suit with a flannel tie. He accused me of being antognisitic toward him and Kayla, I don't even know what he was talking about you could barely make sense of the squirrel gibberish that he was saying, but then he lunged at me with warning - I had to hit him with a two by four just to slow him down. Todd Wolfson was appalled. I, for my part, am going to start carrying around a can of mace.

Vince the Prince

Here's what happened this weekend: Super Vince was hanging out at a strip mall in Fort Lauderdale, chewing gum and throwing dice, when suddenly he heard a scream. A 73 year old woman, frazzled and crazy with rage, white hair swishing everywhere, was yelling "STOP! SHE HAS MY PURSE!" as a woman sprinted away from her at top speed. Super Vince sprung into action, using his super legs to chase the woman to her getaway car, then using his super intelligence to step in front of the car as it was taking off. Fortunately for Super Vince, the purse snatcher was not going to totally obliterate him with her car for the sake of some old lady's purse, so as other onlookers gathered to grab the car doors, the purse snatcher threw the loot out the window, put the car in reverse, and made a getaway. Super Vince, who was only hanging out at the strip mall for the weekend, then returned to Philadelphia where he resumed his alter-ego identity - a mild-mannered state senator.